Epic Banality

Tonight I was talking about a certain college quarterback whose current misfortune amuses me greatly. Once I’d completed my usual snide and sarcastic ridicule of his broken foot, my dad made a strange comment; he said, “Well, some people don’t fear God. I do.” I pressed him for the relevance and we talked, but I couldn’t help but feel the comment was directed at me. Mind you, it may not have been and it could be my own paranoia talking, but regardless, it got me thinking about today.

Had today happened a year ago, I would have started madly analyzing my life trying to figure out what was wrong with me or I would have simply singled out things that I felt were less than stellar about my religious life and presumed they were the reason God was punishing me. It’s strange, but while I’ve always felt God was an extremely distant figure in terms of things like listening to my prayers, I’ve always felt as if He was very close in terms of exacting punishment on me. Don’t ask me why because I don’t understand why I’ve felt that way. While I was raised religious, the concept of the vengeful and/or jealous god was anything but ingrained in my teachings. It probably has something to do with my own vicious and judgmental nature as well as how brutally critical I’ve always been of myself.

Thanks to the current recession—especially in the real estate market in Nevada—work has dried up which is the cause of considerable stress. I’m certainly not alone in this regard and I’m sure I’ll pull through. I always have. Today added insult to injury though. My car failed to start. (Actually, it starts fine, it just dies right after that.) It’s extra stress at a time when I don’t need nor want the pressure, but you know what? Shit happens. It happens to every one. Once it happens, you either have to deal with it or run from it or whatever. I’m annoyed and it sucks. Case closed.

Not to try and sound like some annoying optimist—heaven knows, I’m not—but the upside of this is just that, case closed. I’m not sitting here right now wondering what I’ve done to put God in the mindset of punishing me, seeking revenge or making some example out of me. On top of that, and I think this might be the best part, I don’t feel forsaken either. I guess, at the same time, I don’t feel like there’s any ethereal safety net either but the trade is worth it right now.

I don’t think it would be at all safe to think that I don’t fear God. I do. That’s a constant in my life that I don’t think will ever change, but I don’t feel like it’s as personal as it used to be.

(I’m sure if Guiness, Frodo or Boas reads the title, they might think I’m talking about my fear of Air Caste Bombardment from the Tau Ethereal. Not the case, but that did come to mind when I wrote it.)

This entry was posted on Monday, August 11th, 2008 at 10:16 pm and is filed under Religion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.