Epic Banality

Tonight I was talking about a certain college quarterback whose current misfortune amuses me greatly. Once I’d completed my usual snide and sarcastic ridicule of his broken foot, my dad made a strange comment; he said, “Well, some people don’t fear God. I do.” I pressed him for the relevance and we talked, but I couldn’t help but feel the comment was directed at me. Mind you, it may not have been and it could be my own paranoia talking, but regardless, it got me thinking about today.

Had today happened a year ago, I would have started madly analyzing my life trying to figure out what was wrong with me or I would have simply singled out things that I felt were less than stellar about my religious life and presumed they were the reason God was punishing me. It’s strange, but while I’ve always felt God was an extremely distant figure in terms of things like listening to my prayers, I’ve always felt as if He was very close in terms of exacting punishment on me. Don’t ask me why because I don’t understand why I’ve felt that way. While I was raised religious, the concept of the vengeful and/or jealous god was anything but ingrained in my teachings. It probably has something to do with my own vicious and judgmental nature as well as how brutally critical I’ve always been of myself.

Thanks to the current recession—especially in the real estate market in Nevada—work has dried up which is the cause of considerable stress. I’m certainly not alone in this regard and I’m sure I’ll pull through. I always have. Today added insult to injury though. My car failed to start. (Actually, it starts fine, it just dies right after that.) It’s extra stress at a time when I don’t need nor want the pressure, but you know what? Shit happens. It happens to every one. Once it happens, you either have to deal with it or run from it or whatever. I’m annoyed and it sucks. Case closed.

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Today marked the last symbolic step in finalizing what I am calling my “trial separation” from religion. It’s been a long and complicated road the last few years, where I’ve struggled much more with the concept than I had as a child or teenager. However, this year finally did it for me. There wasn’t any particular event, but most people out there have a threshold for the amount of guilt and disappointment that they’re willing to tolerate. Furthermore, people who value things like reason and logic tend to have a similar threshold for the amount of arbitrary ceremony that they can stand. My thresholds have all be crossed I guess.

So what was my symbolic step? I went underwear shopping today and for the first time in about six years I’m wearing something other than white underwear; it’s red right now, for those of you who are curious. I purchased an array of colors: greens, blues, the red pair and some gray and black. No white though, not a one.

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